Death to the vampires: the end of the Twilight saga | London Evening Standard
I think I need to get away from vampires, ”Stephenie Meyer admits on her website. And U.S. too. Vampires have become little more than a common or garden pest in recent years.
Still, we’re ready for one last hurray for vampires before they’re gone forever: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 premieres in the West End tonight and opens across the country on Friday. It’s a big and big farewell parade.
In Breaking Dawn Part 1, Edward, the caring vegetarian vampire, and Bella, the hot-blooded girl, got married and then on their honeymoon finally fucked, smashing furniture in their excitement but forgetting to use any form of contraception. Bella immediately became pregnant with a ravenous and superhuman developing baby. She only survived childbirth by finally becoming a vampire herself.
In part 2, she finds out how much fun it can be. Now she’s special too! The Cullen family of vampires adore her and as a “newborn” she is the strongest of them all. She can walk through the forest and climb cliffs, enjoying nature like never before. The incredibly cute baby can communicate her thoughts just by stroking a cheek, and no exhausting babysitting is needed as she grows up almost instantly.
Jacob, the beloved werewolf that Bella keeps in reserve, has “imprinted” himself on the baby, so he’s still there in both incarnations, being an absolute brick, removing his shirt at the right time. And the Cullens gave Bella and Edward the keys to a dreamy little cabin in the woods, a paradise for mini-breaks, complete with a crackling log fire, grandfather clock, botanical prints, a Sheraton armchair. and a double bed.
“Vampires don’t sleep,” Bella observes. “It’s not for sleeping,” Edward said meaningfully. And, lightly tearing off her dress unnecessarily, they set about it, safely this time, both from a contraceptive standpoint (vampire women don’t have their period, perish at the thought) and as equal partners in superhuman speed, strength and stamina at last, so Edward no longer has to worry about accidentally pulling her apart.
We don’t see much but can guess how beautifully it went. “You were really holding back before!” Bella complimented him next. Then a thought strikes her. “We don’t get tired, we don’t need to rest or catch our breath – how are we going to stop? “
Maybe they aren’t, suggests Edward, mentioning another vampire couple who fought so hard it took “a good decade” before you could approach safely unless eight kilometers from them. Horn! Or: dream.
This happy prospect is interrupted by the threat of an attack by the former Volturi coven (led by Michael Sheen, just like Tony Blair but worse) enraged that the Cullens appear to have created a baby vampire – strictly prohibited because mini-vampires cannot keep a secret and are prone to temper tantrums. To counter the Volturi threat, the Cullens bring together sympathetic vampires from around the world in a perfect model of supernatural multiculturalism that even includes a pair of particularly helpful and colorful Neanderthal vampires, along with other traditional types from Transylvania. An almighty battle ensues, an outrageous blow to have your cake and eat it too from the creators of the film, it turns out.
Then all is well again, with Edward and Bella chatting in flowery mead and revisiting their own gloriously romantic story in some sort of showreel, like the ones you get when you’re kicked out of the Big Brother House. “No one has ever loved someone as much as I love you,” whispered Bella. “With one exception,” Edward returns, still the gentleman.
And it’s over vampires, finished and dusted vampires, back in the box. Because although they may be immortal, vampires have now been completely defeated by their own bastard offspring, a much more mucky crew.
The Twilight Books are an adolescent female fantasy in which the looming attraction and threat of male sexuality is favorably presented as a girl’s free choice between worshiping supernatural figures, a cultured vampire on the one hand, and a big wolf. -garou on the other hand, both adore her that, despite being ferocious beasts, they treat her with courteous restraint and cooperate together on her behalf. It can therefore have indefinitely.
We have no pre-wedding sex here wholesale and gone crazy. The happy family life that emerges in this latest film after Bella and Edward’s marriage is even more fantastical and chaste, a premium Mormon wife’s dream about vampire loyalty and good behavior. Stephenie Meyer doesn’t do sex with any detail or realism, on the page or on the screen (although there is a hilarious answer on her own FAQ page, where she worries with a weird specificity. of how vampires might handle it, claiming that “the normal arousal reactions are always present in vampires, made possible by fluids bound to the venom which cause the tissues to react in the same way as an influx of blood “).
In this gaping gap, fan-fiction rushed. EL James’ Fifty Shades of Gray was originally a free online Twilight fan-fic (“Master of the Universe” by “Snowqueen’s Ice Dragon”). Although EL James has cleverly revised it, changing the names, essentially it remains a porn rewrite of Twilight, made urgent by being put in the first person in the present tense so that the reader can as simply as possible fantasize that anything. happens to Ana is actually happens to him. But he’s also been introduced in a real-world version, with Christian being just ridiculously masterful in every way, not exactly supernatural, while all of that suppressed sexual menace was spelled out in grimy and harsh S&M sessions.
It is a real step back in fatherhood, when it seemed hardly possible. Salman Rushdie said of Fifty Shades that he had never read anything so badly written that was published before – “It made Twilight look like War and Peace.”
If this push towards the sexual explicit in fantasy reading (undoubtedly facilitated at the beginning by the private e-readers offered but which also quickly became more public) is irreversible, then no more vampires, now strictly confined to Young Adults fiction. the future, unless they want to mess around. with nipple clamps and anal plugs too.
Interestingly, Stephenie Meyer has been diplomatic and generous about FSOG overtaking her creation. “I haven’t read it. I mean, it’s really not my type, not my thing. I’ve heard about it… Fine with her, she’s fine. That’s great!”
However, Kristen Stewart (who, by the way, does a lot of big, rabid vampire faces in Breaking Dawn 2, with erect lips and extremely frowning eyebrows – give her a try next time they ignore you in the queue. expectation at Pret) was not so liberal. “When I see people reading the book on planes and stuff, I’m just scared. Like, you’re reading porn right now! Please take this blanket off your knees! Too late, too late.